Wednesday, June 02, 2004

The Remains of the Day

What do you want done with your body when you die? Very big concern of mine, frankly. All my life, I've hated both burial and cremation.

My answer? Taxidermy. Spending the afterlife as something useful, like a plant stand, coat tree, garbage can. Yes, people do seem to find that a crazy notion. But, why?

Loving something means wanting it around forever, right? Taxidermy presents just this kind of opportunity, minus the whole growing old and getting squicky looking factor.

Truth is, I've not lived up to my potential in life. That could all change in death with the mere addition of some electrical components or a well placed ashtray.

Naturally, the deal would come with certain caveats:

1. No dogs allowed.

Too much chewing and possible hydrant factor. The last thing I need is to be crapped on for eternity.

2. Regular dusting.

Please use Pledge. Smelling lemony fresh is just as important in the hereafter as it is here. Also, occasional makeup refreshening might be nice.

3. No second-handing

Sure, my own family would take good care of me. But the thought of ending up in the hands of someone with more nefarious intentions scares me. And being left on the curb at some point? Awful.

Other than that, smooth sailing. I envision spending a long, happy afterlife in a nice nook somewhere, smiling and holding an ashtray, fancy garbage can or perhaps even a nice tray that holds appetizers at parties. Maybe my owner will make costumes for me to wear. Just like those ducks you often see on porches, my attire will change with seasons or special events.

Maybe it will even start a trend.

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