Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I write the ads that make the whole world sing

Yes, I do all the Netsurfing for you, so you won't feel compelled to -- well, in this case, toss yourself off the nearest building.

While still vaguely religious, I've never really bought into theories that 'the end is nigh' based on world events, despite sites like Rapture Ready ( saying otherwise.

Turns out they were right. By my precise calculations, we have only days, if not hours.

What convinced me? Barry Manilow is now selling his own jewelry line.

Yes, amidst the Manilow tees, Mandy bookends and other merch, BM has introduced his original jewelry.

What next, you ask? Well, if I were Barry 'the Merch Man's' ad agency, how 'bout these:

1. "Looks Like We Made It" Condoms . Multi-colored, with a good-natured ribbing, Man-i-doms offer the greatest variety in protection AND pleasure! Embossed with the full array of lyrics from Barry's 1974 hit "Something's Coming Up! these will be a surefire pick among discerning gentlemen.

2."Can't Smile Without You" Denture Cream. . Sure, technically you could smile without it. But that'd be just gross, having your teeth fall out while greeting fans and friends. For folks who want their whites as pearly as Barry's own!

3. Also for Barry's elderly fans comes -- "I Don't Want To Walk Without You" Limb Aids. a fantastic line of canes, wheelchairs and, of course, walkers. Some come with breakaway legs; that Barry, what a kidder! Wheels on the walkers are rhinestone encrusted, and each cane handle is engraved with Barry's uplifting visage, ready to cheer on your attempts at mobility, even the strictly upward variety:

Other products in development: I Made it Through the Rain umbrellas, Sometimes When we Touch Hand Lotion (with aloe!) Who's Been Sleeping in My Bed Waterproof Mattress Pads, Ready to Take a Chance Again Prenuptial Forms, Copacabana Cocktail Glass and Napkin Set, and Daybreak Sleep Tabs.

See, Barry? You've only just begun -- to jump the shark. Better hurry, though. The end really is nigh.

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