Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Alito gathers steam; rulings pick up celebrity endorsement

Normally celebrities don't side with extreme right-wing conservative idealogues on any issues. Needless to say, it's surprising to see celebrities rushing out to support Judge Sam Alito. But some well-known names are fairly giddy with glee at seeing how well Alito's rulings align with their own beliefs.

Here then, are a few of Alito's kindred spirits and their official statements:

If only Judge Alito had gotten here sooner, I wouldn't have had to kill my wife. His minority opinion in Planned Parenthood v. Casey, 947 F.2d 682 (3d Cir. 1991)might've helped me get rid of that Bonnie woman before she trapped me by getting pregnant. I'm all for Alito; all women should have to defer to their husbands wishes when it comes to whether or not they should be forced to carry and deliver a baby. Alito's right; women are nothing more than another appendage, and with him on the Supreme Court we can get rid of our wives easier than choppin' off a thumb. You can take that to the bank!

Not surprising, Republican Arnold Schwarzenneger supports Alito. Particularly Alito's ruling in Sheridan vs. Dupont in 1996. "That Alito, he is such a great guy! If only Alito was on the Supreme Court when I was accused of sexual harrassment! Those women wouldn't have stood a chance with Alito's ruling that demanded higher standards of proof, and Maria wouldn't have hit me in the head with the frying pan when I was sleeping. You can be sure I'll be back grabbin' seats once Alito grabs his on the Supreme Court."

"I support Judge Alito's great ruling on Doe v. Goody in 2004. You know, the one where he condoned unauthorized strip searches of ten-year-olds, even though the search warrant only said one adult guy could be searched? That's the one. It's sad I had to sell "Neverland" before Judge Alito can rule on strip-searches for little boys, too. Just think of the fun I can have in my policeman uniform. Judge Alito will put the verse back in perversion again, and it makes me want to sing!"

Tommy Lee chimes in:

"I love how Alito wants to crush the Family Medical Leave Act from Nevada v. Hibbs, in 2003. Everytime I gave Pam a black eye or smacked her around a little, she was always takin' time off from work and using FMLA. If this Alito cat gets on the Supreme Court, she won't be taking any more FMLA time, I'll tell ya that much."

Psychics report the following dead celebrities have sent messages of support for Alito from beyond the grave. (Wonder how much those calls cost 'em?)

Marge Schott loves Alito! "I particularly liked his ruling on Bray v. Marriott Hotels, 1997. That Alito, he understands how much we still need race-based discrimination. I've been saying that since my days running the Cincinatti Reds. And it doesn't make me and Judge Sam racists, either. We just think even those million dollar types need to know their place and worth!"

Rumor has it that John Wayne Gacy has also registered support for Strip Searchin' Sammy's policies, and a recent Walton family seance has revealed Walmart creator Sam Walton supports Alito's ruling against the Family Medical Leave Act.

Developing. . .
Thanks for the biting humor Anne! Just found your blog from your comments on Bluenecks. Keep up the biting satire--it keeps us sane.
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