Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Bush White House: The Pathetic Beltway "Heathers" Remake

The Columbia School of Journalism reports that a complicit Dana Bash from CNN has announced the Bush White House's plan to "hit back" at Democrats who are now speaking aloud what many of us have been saying for years: we were taken to war on false intelligence, and most likely deliberately.

Included in the Bush offensive?

The "hit-back," as Bash's anonymice called the strategy, will apparently commence in the coming days. The anonymice also detailed for Bash the "hit-back"'s top talking points (pre-war intelligence was faulty, but it was not manipulated; everyone was working from the same intelligence; here are some quotes from Democrats talking about WMDs as if they existed).

Well, um...alrighty then. Just say it: you're remaking Heathers.

Remember that movie - the one where the popular, vapid, mendacious, bullying girl clique, all named Heather, met their comeuppance for plotting and scheming one too many times?

This version isn't likely to end pretty, either.

Ignore the real issue: that you supplied the faulty information to the Senate that caused them to vote in favor of war, and that they supplied caveats and stipulations stating that if the conditions you said existed were not met, war was not an option.

Instead, let's examine feasibility for the new Beltway Heathers' PR plan:

Rather than play it straight and make your case to the American public, you're going to expend energy on yet another PR smear campaign? Bloody brilliant strategery, Heathers.

Especially in light of the fact that one of the largest complaints about your administration, particularly with regard to Katrina and Iraq, is the widespread belief your entire philosophy, focus and plan centers only around altering perception, rather than fixing reality.

Your version of events:

Think we screwed-up Katrina? Nah. Don't believe your lying eyes and the people dying on television. Let's just tell Brownie he's doing a heckuva job, and fly out to New Orleans another twenty times.

Think the Iraq war isn't going well? Silly! How about we regurgitate the same "War on Terra" speech seven or eight times more on television. That ought to fix everything.

America's reality:

Here's a really radical idea, you bunch of backslapping, gossip-mongering, superficial Heathers: try expending some energy actually doing your jobs.

You know, the stuff you were elected to do: work on the lack of jobs, the limping economy, the huge increases in poverty you promised at the 2000 RNC would be a priority for your administration?

Remember them? Because America is suddenly possessing complete clarity of collective recall when it comes to all you're failing. It's a long list, but we're a pretty astute bunch that hates being lied to. Worse, we hate being placated.

And another PR campaign is sheer pandering.

There's only so much crap you can serve us and still expect us to call it goat cheese -- pretty garnish or not.

Another radical idea?

When you want to be taken seriously and considered trustworthy, behave in an honest and trustworthy manner.

That means it's time to stop changing the White House press conference transcripts when Puffy McMoonface Mclellan screws up and admits Rove and Libby lied. Yes, the current transcripts and the old ones. Screwing with the public record? Not a sign of trustworthiness.

How about you saying "we need to help the poor" and three weeks later trying to push through a budget that cuts student loans, school lunch programs, foster care funding, medicaid and food stamps for legal aliens?

Not so trustworthy. Not so honest. Do your mouths hurt from talking out of both sides?

Your problem, White House, lies not with the Democrats. They are merely the timid Winona Ryder characters to your vapid, self-promoting Heathers.

Your problem is with the American people. Consider us the Christian Slaters in your Heathers remake.

We're pissed. We're volatile. We recognize the insidiousness and affront to decency that lies beneath your polished, smiling facade. We know for certain we've been lied to. And we're bringing on the damage, to the tune of ever-decreasing job approval ranks.

Want to get even closer to Nixon's all-time low ratings? Forge ahead with this remake.

Keep refusing to address the real issues you face and put up Democrats as your strawmen. Work yet another PR campaign hard while simultaneously ignoring the very dire circumstances you've created in America. That worked so well in your response to Katrina and Iraq -- and by January 2006, you could easily limbo into an approval rating somewhere in the high 20's.

Godspeed, Heathers. While you continue to dig yourself into an even bigger hole, we Slaters will be writing your suicide notes!

"What's your damage, Heather?" indeed.

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