Incendiary Advice

Again, Michael Moore was right.

In yesterday's Countdown, Keith Olbermann detailed how the Pentagon is spying on regular American citizens.

Nothing new, really. If I were an Iraqi, I'd have to wonder about this whole "democracy" America wants to import. First we come with the propaganda - the military paid to plant stories in the press. Next, the questionable elections with rumors of fraud. Finally, the domestic spying and violations of civil rights.

Yep. American democracy - coming soon to a country near you.

The DOD database obtained by NBC News includes nearly four dozen anti-war meetings or protests, including some that have taken place far from any military installation, post or recruitment center. One “incident” included in the database is a large anti-war protest at Hollywood and Vine in Los Angeles last March that included effigies of President Bush and anti-war protest banners. Another incident mentions a planned protest against military recruiters last December in Boston and a planned protest last April at McDonald’s National Salute to America’s Heroes — a military air and sea show in Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

So, this is what our taxpayer money is going to: taking down names of people who dare to protest the war. A natural outgrowth of this administration's desire to control every facet of the conversation. If you can't be converted, or subverted, you must be threatened and monitored.

But who is monitoring the monitors? A former DOD official worries:

“Somebody needs to be monitoring to make sure they are just not going crazy and reporting things on U.S. citizens without any kind of reasoning or rationale,” says Lotz. “I demonstrated with Martin Luther King in 1963 in Washington,” he says, “and I certainly didn’t want anybody putting my name on any kind of list. I wasn’t any threat to the government,” he adds.

Here, let me make this easy for you DOD guys. Maybe save some of that tax money:

You can find me most days at the listed address during morning and evening hours. I drive that overpriced heap with the squeaky brakes. Yes, it's a Canadian import. Does that affect my terrorist score?

If I'm not at home, look in the courts around this and surrounding counties. And yes, that is a real laptop I'm carrying. No need to bring out the sniffing dogs.

I've still got the long curly hair. Although, sometimes just to throw you guys off I use that ceramic straightening iron your cameras caught me buying at Rite-Aid awhile back.

Which look is better, by the way? I'm partial to the straight.

But as you guys know, it takes hours to get all my hair straight. Remember all the cussing you caught on camera? That was during hair straightening time. Well, okay. At least some of it was.

Speaking of that, do you guys think I swear too much? If you have a moment, perhaps review all the tapes and count the number of times I take the Lord's name in vain, or use a short euphemism for the act of procreating.

Get back to me with those numbers. Maybe you could charge me a quarter every time I swear. Just tack it on to my income taxes or something.

When push comes to shove, if you have any footage that shows me wearing white in winter, or the same pair of jeans two days in a row, or even worse, my hair looks like I didn't brush it before heading to the store...please, keep those to yourselves. My hair is just way too long and unmanageable these days. Let's not get my parents upset.

And whatever you do, keep my cigarette habit on the down-low. They think I don't smoke excessively.

Feel free, however, to let them know I really did quit drinking completely three years ago. Can you believe it? Oh, how silly of me. Of course you can. Your footage will be reassuring to them.

What's that? Your surveillance of them indicates they're already spending 30 percent of the time worrying about whether or not I'll ever get married again since I'm "dressing like a streetwalker" and they suspect I'm still secretly buying beer?

Thanks for the heads-up. See ya 'round.