Monday, March 27, 2006

Forget Blondie, I want the real Rapture

Years as a Sunday School teacher should preclude me from saying any of the following. Sadly, I'm far too lapsed - and outraged - at this point.

So, make way for a rant of Biblical proportions.

I've got no problem with religious people. Am - or more like was - one myself. But at this point I'd rather chew shards of glass, poke my eyes out with sticks or extract my own larynx then ever associate with any members of the religious right. Between the misogynistic laws creeping up everywhere, propping-up of BushCo, callous disregard for the 100,000 or more Iraqis we've senselessly killed, willful blindness while millions more American children lapse into poverty and despair, hatred towards gays, demand for so-called family values...I simply can't take it anymore.

So, I'm going to ask the only Being left who can fix this:

Dear God,

I've been away and I'm sorry. But if you wouldn't mind much, can you bring on this Rapture thing some of Your biggest supporters keep babbling about?

Just get Your Eternal ShopVac out and start sucking them up, en masse, like so many bigoted dustbunnies during a spring cleaning bender.

Peaceful coexistence is impossible anymore. As well You know, I've done wrong things in the past, and failed. But this one? It's not my fault. Period.

I read Your Son's words; know that we're measured by our acts of goodness and kindness. Frankly, that's why I didn't bust a blood vessel over their crap years ago. Since You made them, maybe You can explain: why aren't they happy simply living their lives following Your tenets? Why must they try to force everyone else to live the way they want - and only the way they want - or else face prosecution?

Surely You didn't want them to do this. You don't seem to be the fallible type. Well, okay, there's one mistake I did want to bring up. . .

Fred Phelps. You must've had quite the chuckle over Your creation there, and how much of a test he'd be for the rest of us trying to to follow The Sermon on the Mount. A flat-out bigoted mass of teeming omnipresent hatred with his own megaphone and rabid unwashed followers. Talk about Your more inspiring challenges!

But Lord, the joke has to be over soon. Maybe You can send Your Son back to straighten out Your most vocal followers.

I'd settle for a new president to arrive, proclaiming our long national cabal rule finally over. Or You know, Moses...and another Burning Bush...then maybe a wee reminder about the whole "Thou Shall Not Kill" thing.

You've got to be watching us from some huge Plasma screen up there, but just in case You're not...I hope it's not inappropriate to tell you: they're giving You a really bad rap.

Not just with the gay hate, the racial profiling, bigoted and misogynistic lawmaking, planned separation of immigrant families or even their attempts to use NSA to be as omniscient as You are...

Lord, it's worse. Much, much worse. They're turning some otherwise loving, good people against You. They're killing people in Your name, far far away from here. And those people don't just hate us for what's happening to them. They hate You. They're screaming out at You.

And now, so am I.

Because You may be the only thing separating the sane people from this smallish group of bigoted, corrupted Bush loving pseudo-religious people, You're really our only hope. Can you please think about fulfilling their wishes, and soon? They're ready. Hopefully You're ready. I'm standing by, ready to help them all pack.

Thanks for listening, God.

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