Incendiary Advice

Maybe it's the whole Teutonic nationality thing, but I've never been much of a fan of Saint Patrick's Day. Green beer, green soup, green mashed potatoes...

No. Just no.

Perhaps it was my husband. Today was about the only day he didn't drink; yes he was Irish and yes, it's a stereotype, but some stereotypes are worth their weight in suds. The drinking and fighting Irish thing definitely applied, in that case.

So how glad am I to be working at home today? How glad am I to have a decent job in the first place with a super cool boss who lets me work in my jammies at any hour, day or night, run out to the store whenever I desire and stay far, far away from the maddening parade crowds?

Very glad. I just wish my boss didn't have to spend every extra penny on her family so she could get me. . .uh, her. . .er, us. . .health benefits!

What is St. Patrick's Day about, anyway? I don't mean the snakes and the Saint stuff -- but why do we celebrate it in the current world? It seems just an excuse to get drunk. Thanks, but I've had enough of those in my lifetime and don't have a need for a single one anymore.

And another thing: slap my go braugh and call me Erin, but if I hear one more lame "Green" song on the local radio I'm gonna bash my own head in with a Blarney Stone. I love Green Day as much as the next faux Irish lassie, but enough is enough. It's like the stations trade these uber demented ideas with one another: Hey, I know - for St. Patrick's Day, why don't we play a band with the name "Green" in it all day? And in between, we'll play snippets of bagpipe music. How festive!


Doesn't anyone realize Green Day are from the West Coast? That accent was affected, not organic, people! And the green hair was just a phase.

Tonight after your Irish eyes are bloodshot and you're paying green homage to the porcelain God, remember: nobody forces you to play Irish. And wearing that kilt in 25 degree weather? Yes. It was a lousy idea.

But you can hum along to Billy Joe as you hurl:

Don't want to be an American idiot.
One nation controlled by the media.
Information age of hysteria.
It's calling out to idiot America...