Thursday, August 17, 2006

I still just don't get it

One of my first posts on here was called "I just don't get it." Comforting to see two years later I still don't get it...I get it less, in fact. A little less every single day. Which is allegedly a good place to start, but it leaves a person feeling like a fish out of water.

For starters, I don't get connection with other people. Why you feel it so intensely with some people, and not at all with others. Chemistry is a stupid word, outside of high school. It's a lame, made-up, quasi-important sounding word that attempts to describe what cannot be explained.

Tonight, though, I'm mystified and stymied by the thought that connection with others doesn't always run smoothly, no matter how much you feel for someone else. That there's always going to be a tension between two people who feel bonded yet seem to be seeking different things - at cross purposes, if you will. And that honoring that connection sometimes requests you give something up of yourself - something crucial, something you truly desire out of life. Is that kind of Faustian bargain worth it, in the long run? Hard to say.

Most of my issues, the reasons I'm grappling so mightily with heading towards the crossroads where I'm someone's daughter, but not actively daughtering (for want of a better word), and someone's mother who isn't mothering anymore, center around abandonment. Some would say that's due to adoption. I truly don't know, but I do know beloved people leaving my life carries far more impact than it does for other people in the same situation, from what many of them tell me.

It isn't just sad, or regretful, or a course of nature. It feels insurmountable, earth shattering and absolutely wrong on every level.

I'm such a coward. If freezing time at its most perfect moments is impossible, I'd prefer to leave first just not to have to feel so much pain and loss. Maybe that's the only way to avoid it.
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